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As parents, we try so hard to do the right thing for our children in a world where there is no one right answer.  The weight of responsibility is huge.  We get caught up in should-dos.  We’re quick to judge, and can be extremely harsh judges of our own parenting.  Too often we forget to practice self-compassion.  We forget to be quiet and still and listen to our own heart.

There is endless information out there about how one should parent.  We feel guilty all the time.  We feel like we’re never doing as good as we could be.  We worry WAY TOO MUCH!

As wonderful as living in a world of connection is, it becomes very easy for us to lose our own voice in the mix.  We read all the should-dos and no longer know what feels right in our heart.  How many activities should your kids do? How much time should you be spending with them one and one?  How much time should be devoted to learning, and how much to exercise?

If you focus on everything you hear or read that you should be doing, you’ll never feel good enough!

What we forget most often as parents is self-compassion!  Parenting is the hardest job in the world, yet we are so quick to beat ourselves up.  If our children make a mistake, if they don’t complete everything to the absolute best of their ability every single day, do we want them to beat up on themselves?  Of course not!  Teaching our children self compassion starts by practicing it with ourselves.

Sometimes as parents we talk to our children in a crappy tone.  We take our tiredness, stress, and feelings of being overwhelmed out on them.  It sucks and it’s not what we want to do, but it happens.  It happens to everyone.  Instead of apologizing and moving forward, we often drag it out longer and longer by focusing on feeling guilty.  That guilt can manifest itself in a lot of unhealthy ways.  We worry if our children are going to be scarred for life by our lack of patience on some days, and what impact will it have on their future.

Parenting isn’t about being perfect, it’s about love.  Real, true love is stronger than any moment of impatience, or poor choice of words.  It is about loving these little beings we’ve been blessed with, with every ounce of our soul, even if we mess up.  Even if we can do better.

To be a better parent we must practice self compassion.  Swaddle our own emotions with love.  What would you want your child to do in the same situation?  Love and forgiveness is the answer.  The next time you catch yourself being a real hard nose on yourself, treat yourself with the same love and compassion you wish to share with the world. And remember – parenting is the hardest work in the world!


What do you do to give yourself a little love when you need it most?

 


Comments

08/08/2011 5:47pm

I totally agree with you that parents should practice self compassion on themselves as that action of self love and forgiveness would also be passed to the children where they too will learn self love and forgiveness.

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08/08/2011 6:08pm

As usual, great post! I find myself worrying at night about "am I being a good mom" and then I realize that my thoughts are trying to control me and I acknowledge the thought and let it go. I tell myself that I am doing the best that I can and as long as I love my kids and they know I love them, they will be just fine!

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Pat
08/09/2011 8:14am

Sometimes you just need to relax and go with it. Who's perfect? Who wants to be? Do your best as much as you can and acknowledge the bad stuff and then move on. Life is full of ups and downs. Make it as fun as you can!

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08/09/2011 4:40pm

@BK -

Thank you BK! I always try to remind myself setting the example is the best thing I can do as a parent, self love included. Have a great day! :)

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08/09/2011 4:41pm

@Dee -

I can absolutely relate! Thank you for the reminder to let go :)

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08/09/2011 4:42pm

@Pat-

I love that- "Make it as fun as you can!" Thank you for that :)

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08/10/2011 8:34am

Wendy, I really needed to read this; thank you so much. "What would you want your child to do in the same situation? Love and forgiveness is the answer."
Absolutely!

I hate when I get so wrapped up in what I "should do", or maybe worse, what I "should have done" in a situation with my children, such that it impacts my ability to live peacefully within the moment, within my own head, and with my kids.

Forgiving myself & moving on from a less-than-stellar parenting moment, and voicing that forgiveness is a great teaching moment in itself!

The other day, after a not-so-cool parenting display, my daughter came up to me, hugged me, and said, "Mom? We can turn this day around! I love you!" She's awesome, and it made me realize, than even through times where I might not be living up to my own expectations, the HEART of what I'm trying to teach my children is shining through.

Thanks as always for a thought-provoking piece! :)

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08/11/2011 6:41pm

@Kelly-

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful comment! It really touched my heart. I love what your daughter told you. She is a smart girl! :)

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08/12/2011 9:04pm

THANK YOU so much for posting this.
I'm still struggling with the guilt after Tiffany's fall and talking hubby into going to ER. I wish I could turn back time and play something else with Tiffany, maybe she hadn't fallen and broke her lip. Wish i wasn't so stubborn on going to the ER and let the lip heal all by itself.
I know deep down the guilt will always be there, I just have to start forgiving myself and show Tiffany as much love as possible.

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08/15/2011 3:43pm

May I suggest further resources to learn more about empathy and compassion.
The Center for Building a Culture of Empathy
The Culture of Empathy website is the largest internet portal for resources and information about the values of empathy and compassion. It contains articles, conferences, definitions, experts, history, interviews,  videos, science and much more about empathy and compassion.
http://CultureOfEmpathy.com

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