I know exactly when it was... before the bleeding even started.
I wasn't very far along, maybe 10 or 11 weeks when I went to work one day and started bleeding.
I was 6 weeks when the baby died.
I remember it.
The shower felt really hot... suffocating in fact.
It was small and enclosed with a glass door.
I got out, stepped onto the bathroom floor mat and curled over in pain. It hurt so bad for a moment I lied naked on the floor in a tight ball.
I also remember the moment I knew I was pregnant. Not when I took the test. It was earlier than that.
I was watching the movie Garden State.
I had a smidge of Bailey's in my coffee. Something I occasionally did on the weekend as a treat.
It's the only time I consciously remember having alcohol when there was a possibility of me being pregnant.
Like it didn't count unless I had proof I was pregnant.
It haunts me from time to time - wondering if I caused damage to my own baby.
Or maybe it wasn't meant to be?
Maybe it happened to teach me something about life and death, unconditional love, or that becoming a parent is a gift?
About 10 years later I stopped drinking completely, barely swallowing a sip here and there to acknowledge the flavor of a good champagne or wine.
I didn't stop because I was addicted, although my heart aches for anyone who is.
I stopped drinking because as I became more and more sensitive to energy. As my intuitive strength grew, and I became stronger in myself I didn't like what alcohol did to me.
It blocked me, and I never wanted to be blocked again.
I want all my senses turned on, working and open.
I want my third eye open.
I want to be able to feel and see the energy around me, visible and not.
I was young... 24 when I miscarried. My body bounced back quickly.
Not too long after the miscarriage, a full cycle, I tried again and got pregnant right away again.
I didn't touch alcohol or anything I thought could even possibly, remotely hurt my baby.
I painstakingly followed all the rules without question.
I had a healthy son.
One that didn't want to sleep anywhere but on me.
One that would bite me hard when he was teething.
A son I love with my whole heart.
3 years after that I gave birth to a big, beautiful 9 lb 5 oz girl.
I often wondered if she was the girl I miscarried come back to be with me on Earth.
If not, and my baby girl is up there in heaven amongst the stars and loving dimensions I hope she knows how much I love her, how much I miss her, how much I would love one of her hugs right now.
I am so excited for the day I knowingly see her again!
I wonder if she sits over my shoulder loving me unconditionally.
I wonder if she hears me when I cry, if she feels when my heart hurts.
I wonder if she felt the pain I felt the moment she died in my tummy.
I know she's with me whether she's a part of my daughter, or my guardian angel, or both...anything's possible.
I'm so lucky she loved me so much she let me carry her for the amount of time she did.
Maybe it's important to say I have no proof she was a girl. I just know.
I want you to know that true love can never die, whether it walks beside us in human form or not.
I want you to know that your heavenly babies love you and are still with you.
And there are a lot of women like me who are here for you, who's heart both hurt with yours, and share your joy.
I pulled this card today and I knew it was time...
15 years later to feel her with me now, share our story (hers and mine),
And let you know I am here for you!
p.s. if you need a hug I'm sending you one right now.